Regrouping after my Summer of Competition was not so easy. I was happy for my friends, all the finalists who actually went on to win the representation with Lilla Rogers' agency that all of us, nearly 1400 (!) from the very beginning wanted so much. I was elated and so thankful to make the final 50 but losing the chance to create something for the final round was a weird left-out of something kind of feeling after such deep engagement. There were many take-aways, about how hard work, and perseverance and going for the thing you really want are also real prizes, whether you win this time or lose this time. But the deep feelings that can linger after logic inevitably fades I felt were worth looking into.
Making this helped:
And thinking about food:
And a bunch of crows flying over a bunch of boob cacti:
Lucky that a few weeks later I am fortunate to be taking Lilla Rogers and Beth Kempton's business for creative entrepreneurs class. MBA stands for Money Bad Ass. I'll be honest: the little stinker that lives in my brain was so focused on just wanting representation, that learning to do the hard work again of selling what I do seemed tiring, daunting, and worrisome. I didn't want to have to "do business" again because 1. the last time I did business, I felt like I was pushing a boulder uphill and 2. I only want to paint and draw and create! I want to make picture books for kids and adults. I want to go to the Bologna Children's book Fair! I want to get editorial work. I want to make beautiful collections for Anthropologie. And sell more paintings and prints and get commissioned for more murals and get into more shows and teach workshops and get residencies. I want to make people laugh. I want to make people think. I want to make people feel something. I want the courage to get it all these dreams packaged together and write a pitch, make a call, negotiate well, do the dirty work. I want to make enough money to have good health care. So many dreams!
The last few weeks, I've picked up my brush sporadically as I've been moving into my new house in Northern New Mexico, hosting good friends from out of town, making daily trips to hardware and vintage stores, getting to know our awesome new neighbors, and taking this class which has me digging so deep it's astounding.
For now, I am listing my fears and flipping them on their heads and I'm all: